Hilarity occurs often in California, because that's just how California is. I should have guessed, though, that college, even in Washington state, would be even stranger than the three years of high school during which I collected quotes. The professors here are weird, especially the Anthropology department. So are the students. Whitman Medieval Society and Ren Faire committee quotes have now been moved to a league of their own. Names have been abbreviated or withheld to protect the weird.
"We're not givin' you thuh mule, we're accommodatin' you nice-like with thuh horse!"
"Y'know, as much as I would love to be in the deep South with a Mediterranean twist, I don't want to listen to this music."
"It's Rod Stewart!"
"Who's Rob Stewart?"
~ ever get really bored on long car rides?
"Tormented by stuff"
"Surprisingly photon-like"
"...he said from left field."
"Phoo! Mystical experience, light turns on"
"If I were the Pope, I'd be worried about this. But since I'm not, who cares?"
"I'm not telling you you have to believe all this. This could be a real truckload of turkeydoo."
"It's like Grateful Dead. It's just background music."
"What is necromancy?"
"Isn't that like having sex with the dead?"
"He is engaging in necromancy by studying himself"
"This is Omen II!"
"Where do you put Hell?"
"On Earth"
"There's very limited explanation for weirdness" ~ tell me about it
"It's like raining asbestos or something..."
"The masses may be asses, but they're usually sorta right"
"He is, in fact, the Goodyear Blimp" ~ Descartes
"We do not become fully tomatoes"
<british accent>"We don't negotiate with terrorists. We have all the time in the world!"</british accent>
"Got a drinking problem? Just kidding."
"It is stupid."
"You know, for a professor of rhetoric, that's a good argument."
"You're free to disagree, but you'd be wrong"
"Nothing today is going to be brain surgery."
"De-mystify, de-classify, de-louse, whatever"
"Tree wool."
"Waaaaas?"
"Tulips disguised as tomatoes" ~ what's up with the tomato thing?
"Maybe I should just leave now."
"We just got new office chairs. There's so many levers on it. Made in Canada."
"Did it come with an operator's manual?"
"It does!"
~ I think the Canada thing says it all
"You know how the egg kinda looks at you?"
"Living cheese! It's alive!" ~ Leberkäs
"Was kann man da essen?"
"François Mitterrand?"
"We know that we can just drop cats"
"No association there, just my own dirty mind"
"But you're from Dayton, you're a cowboy."
"I don't like horses."
"Ich bin kein Cowboy."
"I'm the boss. I get to determine which words belong in the German language."
"We also know a lot of... bullshit"
"Whips are cracking and Charlton Heston is doing all that stuff"
"Look at my head and imagine it carved in basalt"
"Us, the masters of the universe"
"Coconuts and fish and hula dancing will disappear"
"It's yellow, with... snails"
"There goes Grandma"
"If Grandma died, it wasn't necessarily the case that Grandma stayed in one piece"
"I can't imagine anybody looking behind the knees to see how pretty you are"
"Here comes a bee, hits you right in the butt, WHANG!" ~ the bee bit my bottom! now my bottom's big!
"If that hadn't happened, we wouldn't have a lot of people running around in John Deere caps"
"They're goat factories!"
"Once pottery develops, beer follows immediately" ~ true!
"Not being able to escape even a herd of frogs"
"Suck on a hoof"
"Human culture goes all to hell once pottery is developed" ~ will this be on the exam?
"Hey, it's a source of nutrition, it's all over Germany" ~ beer
"Wash that thing until your face turns green"
"Everybody else was dying and getting out of the way"
"These are referred to as 'anti-popes'" ~ and if a pope met an anti-pope, would the whole thing blow up?!
"'I had this fantastic dream,' and then it's usually filthy"
"Dante would've been dead, so that's why [Chaucer] wouldn't have met him"
"I've done that too many times to feel good about it"
"I'm speaking allegorically without even realizing it"
"There are two ways to count: well and badly"
"Venus is a slut!"
"I get the feeling that it is drifting off into a kind of miasma" ~ the lecture
"It's not just so that they'll have somebody to screw"
"The fourteenth century had a lot of nifty heretics, but none of them said 'NO' to everything"
"Birds are very sexy. It may not be apparent, they may not immediately strike you as sex objects, but they strike each other as sex objects" ~ ooookayyyy
"It's hard to imagine Flanders as romantic" ~ stupid Flemish!
"I hope somebody interrupts me before the part about the incest"
"She needs to go pine away in a tower somewhere"
"The mouse! The moose..."
"If he's alive, he's still wrong, and if he's dead, he's still wrong"
"Isn't that nifty?"
"It's more than I would ever pay for a book, characteristically" ~ one meelyun dollars!
"They have a capacity to express their opinions far beyond our capacity to listen to them"
"They suffer. They suffer like Russians."
"It's FUN-ny. ...I thought it was funny."
"Double meanings that dirty old English teachers can see"
"Most people like happy endings, unless you are an affected literary person"
"They're perfect nosethirles!"
"They are somewhat impaired by demon rum"
"Become an exhibitionist. Let it all hang out."
"I can't! I'm Catholic!"
"These fries are so good. I swear they must have cocaine on them."
"Just go out and get laid and stop torturing me like this!"
"Who these people are and what motivates them and why are they so weird?"
"Today, he would be dead by now. Somebody would have shot him or something." ~ on Socrates
"You would not do that to a banana"
"Nope, sheep doesn't work"
"You have a sissy computer"
"I can't imagine a woman saying, 'I wish I had a penis so I could cut off a small part of it'" ~ on circumcision
"Gets drunk and does odd stuff"
"Just imagine, like, frogs, everywhere"
"God is just God, and He doesn't really have anybody to talk to up there"
"Make bricks and enjoy life in Egypt"
"Just get into the bondage"
"Step one: Find some weirdos" ~ Start a Major World Religion in Just 12 Easy Steps
"Be happy with having maggots in his flesh"
"You will be odd by Virgil. Spelled both ways."
"There is hot steamy sex in this book. Well, maybe not."
"This is a gender-bending Dido"
"I wonder how I can bang the woman and still save my butt"
"She's a smart broad"
"On the bimbo scale, she's like a nine"
"Then I talked about distributing methamphetamines to all of you. That's just pedagogically irresponsible."
"You seem to think that the methamphetamine strategy is not a good one, though I remain not unsympathetic towards it"
"Gotta have a paper. Paper's gotta have squiggles on it."
"They get flickered"
"She's biased, though"
"And you're a blasphemer!"
"It's just hot fornication."
"What happened in that cave?"
"What didn't happen in that cave?" ~ hot steamy sex
"Shifting to nautical metaphors here in a fit of whimsy on Friday morning"
"Greece: the Home of the Wimps"
"The grass is dead!"
"On a boat." ~ no, what you've been is not on boats
"When you're my age, you hope it happens but you stop counting" ~ on birthdays
"Fighting wars and getting booty"
"Women are...to be treated as Pokémon cards"
"You failed the idiot test. Or, you passed the idiot test."
"I have the freedom to spend two days doing weird things."
"Can God change his mind?"
"I don't know! ...Well actually I do, but I'm not going to tell you." ~ that sounds like God to me
"'I hate Romans' is probably not long enough"
"The earth is populated and everyone's gonna die"
"I don't get it. It's like origami."
"Sometimes you have to destroy people in the process"
"Have another cookie, you just did fine"
"Those mosquitoes carry off small babies"
"To hell with 'em!"
"I grab cookies for people in need"
"A pagan bunch of critters"
"He's not alive." ~ on the difference between the Son and the Holy Spirit
"Before, they had to like kill a cow"
"And Socrates essentially says what?"
"'No'"
"But badgers are mean!"
"You train a killer dachshund"
"German through fear" ~ or vier
"It's a place where you can grow enormously fat"
"I spend three hours a week hanging pictures"
"D'you wanna be able to brush your teeth in Germany?" ~ yeah, but don't drink the water
"And to the dog to whom you speak in a formal fashion, 'Gehen Sie bitte'"
"'Ich wohne mit meine Tante.' Something a little weird might be going on there."
<englishaccent>"You really shouldn't kill, you know...</englishaccent>
<americanaccent>But I suppose you will anyway."<americanaccent>
"Until those spelling reformers came along and ruined everything" ~ we fear change
"Good old John F. would say he was a jelly doughnut"
"Excuse my French, but the hell with it."
"'An unexpected error has occurred.' The error was getting that computer in the first place." ~ try a Mac
"I may have relatives over there."
"...Depending on what he did while he was there."
"Do a lot more people fall in India?"
"In order to keep the world's most glorious language alive and pure." ~ French
"What were we talking about?" ~ you're asking us?
"Did you say 'Lieber'? That means 'bodies.'" ~ leider, yes it does
"How would you say 'it's time to go?'"
"I urgently need pants"
"Quickly! Before it's too late!"
"Sind Sie ein Partymensch?"
"It's such an embarrassment of riches"
"God, I'm at a loss for words."
"Maybe she's checking into prison."
"It'd be like eating dingo"
"The pheasants are prettier"
"I am not a vegetable?"
"Not as far as we know."
"'Kräutertee' does not mean, however, 'tea with Germans in it'"
"Cows have such nice eyes"
"You paint yourself blue and wear a penis sheath"
"Don't show up on Tuesday in a penis sheath, please"
"In the comfort of your own home, sit around and bash some rocks"
"You only butcher the top layer"
"They're kinda hippy"
"You can kill children for a variety of interesting reasons"
"We are market-oriented capitalist pigs"
"How much crap, to use the technical term, you can schlepp"
"And 'Glory Hallelujah' say you"
"We build temples, cities, Whitman College, hey presto"
"From apple-picking to agricultural pastoralism"
"If you go there now, you can get shot"
"And we are all somehow or other convinced that this is a good thing to do" ~ state-level societies
"A totem pole... with the various presidents of the College, with Cronin on top"
"Because you use fancier spoons"
"Excuse me, did you come that one time in the bleachers?"
"I think that's what they call a blowjob"
"He could get a job"
"Oh, crap, I've got chlamydia again"
"Maybe I'm just ignorant, but... I probably am"
"I guess the crack one doesn't work. Never mind."
"He's not like doing drugs all the way through and watching TV"
"'Gloria lives in Des Moines!'" ~ Mark Doty on Paul Lisicky
"G.'s just terrifying you"
"This science-fiction world where gay men are in charge"
"I'm not writing a blank check for having sex with ten-year-olds"
"I think she was sort of a theoretical lesbian"
"Ho ho ho, killing people is wrong"
"I've got the 10 of Jacks! ...Shit." ~ when I lost at Mafia
"And that's why, dammit!"
"It's hard to get wrinkles on stick figures"
"That's a good yak"
"You should be an urban artist"
"The Idiot and the Oddity" ~ Homer's masterpieces
"From Joe Six-Pack to murderer"
"Is it really the bunnies?"
"It's because of the bunnies."
"Eating baby bunnies is kinda disturbing"
"Baby eagles are dead!"
"There's gotta be a dead baby around here somewhere"
"We're gonna go on, 'cuz it gets worse"
"That's a spooky universe to live in"
"She's a tart!"
"Children by nature are both interesting and frightening"
"The Delphic Oreo"
"It is the best damn table you could ever imagine. ... It is the sine qua non of Table."
"Family values, I don't know what they are"
"And Helmut responds with a cryptic 'Ach so'"
"Biologie und Chemie - glutton for punishment"
"After it's all over and you've sobered up"
"Just believe me."
"Whack off the top of it with a knife. A swift blow."
"There are no stupid questions, only stupid people"
"Life is context"
"Ich lese ein Buch... du Idiot."
"How do you say 'eat me'?"
"J.! Tarantulas and hermit crabs are one thing..."
"What if you intended to get a sex change?"
"Now J. I realize it's Friday, but..."
"The other buildings are essentially spiritless and mindless"
"I've got this yearning feeling to go drink beer"
"And they found this Sapphic poetry in this stuffed crocodile" ~ true!
"This is not cookies at night"
"O ho ho, I just married my man-servant!" ~ T. Herman Zweibel?!
"I think she's now finally kicked the bucket"
"He's been nobilitated"
"Eccentric Englishmen" ~ redundant
"I don't have to worry about monkey eagles"
"You don't need to fang the bananas into submission"
"There are monkeys all over the damn place"
"50 feet deep in corpses"
"Lots of sex and perversion and lots of strange things"
"Lurking in the bushes and doing oddball things"
"I brought a few hominids, one of whom is being served on a platter" ~ true! it was china!
"We have a lotta Lucy"
"That morass of Australopithecinii"
"Since this one doesn't have a face, it's very hard to demonstrate"
"I once gave serious thought to pushing Lou B. off a balcony in a hotel in Mexico City"
"You might think to yourself, 'My, what an ugly man'"
"Lordy, lordy, that's not human"
"Even the ladies could clean your clock" ~ Neanderthals
*thunk*
"Natural selection in operation"
~ this poor kid and his desk fell right off the raised floor onto the lower level
"Whatever godawful form of American you imagine yourself to be"
"It's not some kind of Idaho Nazi-type racism"
"It is, to use the scientific term, all bullshit"